restless

2011-11-17T23:28:00.001-05:00

Shaun the teaching resident: so you guys think the patient has pneumonia based on his symptoms? Then why is it that his chest x-ray only shows interstitial edema?

Sam B. the med student: I know, right?

It's not the numbers that matter in our sisterhood.... say what?

2011-10-25T23:04:00.002-04:00

A Gchat conversation with my sister May on 10/24/11:

May: dude are you 23
E: Dude you don't know?
M: I was trying to gauge [our cousin] steph's age by adding to yours. So is she 25?
E: Yes.
But I am not 23
M: you're 24???
E: Dude....
M: 22????
E: I just had a bday, remember?
M: AREN'T YOU 23
E: I'm 24 you loser
M: you're in your 2nd year right?
E: Dude
3rd year
M: 3rd year??
lololol
sorry
E: This conversation would be quite sad if it weren't so hilarious
M: it's not the numbers that matter in our sisterhood v_v
E: Say what....
Some strange phrasing over there
M: nvm lol

Yes, May. I, on the other hand, do know your age and what year you are in school. I think....

can't remember!

2010-11-21T19:22:00.009-05:00

Three M2s and one M1 were standing in the hallway chatting. The M1 currently is in Anatomy.

M1: My cadaver has a megacolon, which is really cool.
M2s: Cool!!
M1: What causes megacolon?
M2s: [long silent pause while we rack our brains]

Elaine: Wait, wait, I know we learned this in microbiology a few months ago. It was Dr. Bearman's lecture. I think it's caused by some sort of bacteria.
Joe: I thought it was caused by parasites.
Elaine: Oh... Maybe....
Anthony: It's also caused by Hirschsprung's disease, but I only know this because I was assigned Hirschsprung's last year for my Genetics presentation.
Elaine: What's Hirschsprung's disease??

None of us M2s could remember the specific microorganisms. Sigh, not encouraging for Boards.

But at least Joe, Anthony, and I were all right--I just looked it up: megacolon can be caused by 1) Clostridium difficil (a bacterium), 2) Chaga's disease's Trypanosoma cruzi (parasite), or 3) Hirschsprung's disease--congenital absence of the Auerbach's plexus, the nerves that innervate the colon. At least we didn't say it is caused by a "virus"--score! (kind of).

Edit 11/23: I just posed the "what causes megacolon" question to four other M2s. They were all silent, until Billy said, "We haven't had the GI course yet." They forgot too. Score!

despicable

2010-11-18T22:44:00.001-05:00

I hate my lack of self-confidence. Where do you get confidence?

the bet

2010-08-23T13:46:00.008-04:00

I made a bet with my classmate and friend Min in the first semester of medical school. Back then (and throughout the entire year), I often felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of material we had to learn for every test.

E: I am going to fail my first year. I won't go on to M2 [medicine second-year].
Min: OK, if you fail, I'll treat you to dinner. But if you pass, you'll treat me to lunch.
E: That will be the saddest dinner ever, but OK.

I just treated Min to lunch at Lulu's today. I loved her company, and the food was so good!! They sure put me in a happy mood. And of course, I am now an M2--God has pulled me through the M1 year!

The new bet we made during lunch:
E: I need an incentive for passing the M2 year. Let's make the same bet again.
Min: No.... This time, if you pass M2 year, I will treat you to dinner. But if you fail, you treat me to dinner.

The stakes are a bit higher this time! I hope I don't have to pay for dinner next year.

On a somewhat related note, my classmate Guannan devised a brilliant backup plan in case med school doesn't work out: open a dim sum cart on our campus that caters to the med students. (My current city is somewhat lacking in quality Chinese food). I said I would be her cashier/accountant, so we are future business partners. I even named our cart "Tasty Escape." An apt name, in my opinion. Seriously, though, there were one or two times when I thought opening a food cart is a tempting idea.

What does the future hold?

the coming storm

2010-08-22T22:54:00.000-04:00

Just now, I was reading my school's USMLE Board Step 1 study strategies. Not only are we second-year med students expected to keep up with school, we have to prepare for the hair-raising USMLE test on top of that. That means we must read our thick syllabi as well as a bunch of review books--combined, those materials probably weigh more than I. What is worse, our beloved Dr. Costanzo, an expert on individualized Board prep, retired last year. I am just now beginning to realize the enormity of our loss. I can feel the bubbles of stress welling up within me, even though the Board test is about 10 months away (only 10 months away!?).

OH no! Must trust must trust... in God.

breast cancer and children

2010-08-13T12:23:00.000-04:00

Let's talk some breast cancer statistics:

Women who have a child before age 20 have decreased risk of breast cancer.
Women who have a child after age 35 have increased risk of breast cancer.
Women who have no children at all have an even higher risk of breast cancer than women who have children.

What! I don't want to have a kid just to lower my chance of breast cancer--that'd be a really screwed-up kid.

notes:
*the stats refer to having any child, not just the first child
*the stats show correlation and not cause and effect. As time progresses and generational habits change, statistics may change as well
*learned from my pathogenesis course

trapped

2010-06-17T23:14:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up with a deep feeling of depression, even though it was bright and sunny outside.

I have known for a long time that, ever since I started medical school last August, I have not been happy. I have had happy moments and days, yes, but they are brief glimmers in a night. Overall, I have not had a happy period here, so far away from home.

My friend Angela said my personality reminds her of Eeyore. (Albeit she said Eeyore is her favorite character). Have I always been like this? I am so tired.

Edit: I just went back and read my previous posts. This latest is just another one of those depressing entries. How annoying.

dreamy integration

2010-05-24T21:05:00.001-04:00

The night after G-chatting with Wendy about what ICA folks are up to now that many of them are leaving Berkeley, I dreamed that:

Wendy, Helen, Alice, and I are on a medical relief trip in Honduras. Along with other people also on the trip, we rode on a medium-sized bus. The scenery was quite safari-like: we were dressed in tan and wearing hats, and the landscape was mostly yellow with clusters of dark green trees and bushes. (I am not sure what Honduras actually looks like). Upon arriving at our sleeping quarters, which was merely a large rusty tin-roofed shack with one bunk bed, we lay down our blankets, some on the bed and some on the floor. Wendy, Alice, and Helen immediately lay down (to rest, I guess? It was still the middle of the day). I, on the other hand, went outside to look at the surroundings, when suddenly a giant thunderstorm erupted. I got drenched and went back into the shack, thinking, "At least I have already showered today. This place has no running water." For some reason I hung my wet clothes outside to dry, even though it was still pouring.

Then I woke up.

This dream integrated events from real life:
1. None of us are at Cal anymore. We are going on/ have gone on to very different places.
2. I will be going to Honduras next week for medical relief trip.
3. Last week I really was drenched by a freak thunderstorm in Richmond, VA (which contributed to my subsequent illness).
4. I sometimes miss my ICA sisters.

"Do you take medications for anything?"

2010-05-16T00:24:00.000-04:00

In a medical interview, we ask all patients about the medications they take.

At my preceptor's office, where I interviewed quite a number of patients, it is not uncommon for me to hear the answer "Anti-depressants."

Oh man....

Restless.

Chinese women...

2010-05-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

I mailed my mother a Mother's Day card this week.

Today, on Gchat...

May: btw, Mom got your card and the first thing she commented it on was that it was $6.
E: sheesh.
E: if I had known mom'd have commented about the price i'd have bought a cheaper card
E: it hurt me to buy a $6 card too
May: yeah, she said the one she gave grandma was only $3
May: lol
E: but that one was the prettiest
May: well, you can tell her that
E: and i took time to pick that one out man
E: grandma wouldn't even know about mother's day (note: my grandma is senile)
E: are you doing anything for mother's day?
May: no
May: i'm studying.

Chinese women.... (exasperated)

Edit: Mom later called me to say she appreciates the card's beauty and my message, and that she was just joking about the $6.

2010-05-07T23:25:00.002-04:00

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Life is too short to take seriously.

-Mom

"Ma'am"

2010-05-06T21:29:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone with several customer service representatives who addressed me as "Ma'am."

Which then reminded me of two pediatric patients I interviewed at my preceptor's office--one a 16-year-old boy, the other a 10-year-old boy. Both these boys were true born-and-bred Southern gentlemen--they ended the answer to every one of my questions with the word "Ma'am." "Yes, ma'am," or "No, ma'am," they said politely. Once the 10-year-old simply answered "Yes" to my question, and his father, who was also there, immediately reprimanded him by adding "Ma'am." "Yes, ma'am," the boy corrected himself.

Although of course not every patient is this polite, at times like these I really appreciate those boys and Southern civility.

But it has also made me realize I now look and sound old enough to be called "ma'am." When I was a kid, I associated this term with ladies that are at least middle-aged. Bummer.

late night Gchat statuses

2010-05-02T01:44:00.000-04:00

Jensine's: im going to sing this song/to let you know you are not alone/and if you are like me/you need hope, coffee, and melody

E's: hope, beer, and punk rock

Joel's: hope, water, and bluegrass

Disclaimer to any residency directors that may be viewing this post: I actually neither drink nor listen to punk rock.

autism spectrum quiz

2010-05-01T01:07:00.000-04:00

autism-spectrum quotient

“Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at Cambridge’s Autism Research Centre have created the Autism-Spectrum Quotient (AQ), as a measure of autistic traits in adults.

Below is a link to the test. The average score from a control group was 16.4, and 80% of those with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher.

This is not a diagnostic test – and many people who score above 32 and who meet the diagnostic criteria for mild autism or Asperger’s have no difficulty in functioning in their everyday lives.”

My sister scored 26. "Haha," I thought. Then I scored 27. Damn.

Me: Doesn't that make you feel better? [my also scoring relatively high on the autism spectrum curve]
May: No, because you are kind of weird too.

a prayer

2010-04-27T23:44:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

This week, my class did a compliments list. From reading my and other people's compliments, I have come to realize I am very inward-focused. Lord, forgive me for being so inward-focused. I have always been thinking about me me me, and my own misery. I have rarely thought about loving my classmates, and much less acted on it. I should have been looking out for ways I could love. Lord, please help me love you, so that your love for others can also be transmitted through me. Concomitantly, God, let me feel and know how much You love me, so that I can be sated and give in turn. God, please let me place myself third--you first, my neighbors second.
Lord, there are some classmates I disdain because I saw only one of their personality traits--and perhaps it was even an inaccurate perception. Yet they have received compliments from others that convey great admiration. Lord, even if I did not see wrong, please remove my disdain, and help me love.
Lord, in a class of 200, I don't know how I can show love--there are too many people, and the only way I know how to care is through one-on-one interactions, not in groups. I feel stiff and reserved. Show me, oh Lord, whom to love, and how, without compromising the personality you gave me. Yet at the same time, help me exert effort and go out of my comfort zone.

Please remember my prayer, O Lord. Help me remember it as well. Please grant my prayer.

In Your Son's Name,
Amen

I shadow Dr. Jaded

2010-04-27T22:15:00.000-04:00

This semester, I shadow an internal medicine doctor every other week as part of my Clinical Skills course.

Dr. Cool but Jaded: How's it going?
Me: I hate school.
Dr. CbJ: Well, you have got three more years. [snicker] Then you have more years of residency. [snicker] Then you will work everyday until you drop dead.... So cheer up!! [fist pump][snicker snicker]

... I love this guy.

popular hits: med student version

2010-04-11T01:22:00.000-04:00

Bali and Sindhura: imma be imma be imma be imma be imma be in debt
E: I am alreaddddy in debt, alreaaaddy in debt, there is no moving on, so I am already in debt

I am not a GRITS (Girl Raised In The South)

2010-03-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

E: Eating grits is like eating oatmeal.
Evelyn: WHAT?! You definitely are not from the South.

grapefruit

2010-03-24T19:12:00.000-04:00

I did Fine Needle Aspiration on a grapefruit today! FNA is a process where you extract cells from a tumor or mass with a needle for biopsy.

What you do is insert needle into grapefruit, then saw the needle up and down to cut up "tissue", and draw up juice. Then you let a drop of the juice fall onto a microscope slide, and smear the drop with another slide for reading. Voila! Somewhat painful for the grapefruit, though.

specialties

2010-03-24T00:21:00.000-04:00

The following scores represent the probability that you will enter into one of the 16 specialties based on your interest in performing specific activities in medicine. A higher probability indicates a stronger preference for that specialty.

Specialty Probability
Internal Medicine 66 %

Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation 22 %

Psychiatry 7 %

Pediatrics 2 %

Family Medicine 1 %

Orthopaedic Surgery 0 %

Otolaryngology 0 %

Pathology-Anatomic and Clinical 0 %

Radiology-Diagnostic 0 %

Surgery-General 0 %

Obstetrics and Gynecology 0 %

Neurology 0 %

Emergency Medicine 0 %

Urology 0 %

Anesthesiology 0 %

Dermatology 0 %

zestless, again

2010-03-13T21:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel that everything in my life is meaningless.

I am grateful for my parents, though.

Edit: May on 5/1/10: excuse me. where am I?

Oops oversight.

a request

2010-02-27T22:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Future Significant Other,

Please meet me while I am still in my prime and still relatively decent-looking (perhaps even good-looking, depending on your taste). Hurry up and date me while I am in my 20s, before I become wrinkled, white-haired, fat, and saggy. If you are someone whom I will love deeply, I want you to enjoy (or at least be content with) the way I look, even if it's for a limited time. Please remember that being in medical school accelerates the aging process, so stop dawdling: come into my life already. Thank you.

Sincerely,
E

lame haikus to commemorate winter break 09

2010-01-05T01:10:00.002-05:00

California,
My wonderful yummy home.
Hasta la Vista!

Winter Break ended.
I am now back in Richmond.
Wah wah wah wah wah!

(Just kidding about the "wah wah" part, but I thought that was hilarious, if I could say so myself).

positive thinking

2010-01-05T01:10:00.001-05:00

My life is awful.... I mean awesome.

the mother is starting to pressure her daughters....

2009-12-26T01:15:00.000-05:00

I visited Berkeley this winter break. When I got back home, my mother started talking about some of my Berkeley friends whom she had seen.

....

Me: Yea, [guy at Berkeley] is pretty good-looking.
Mom: You should introduce him to May! :D :D
May thinks: WOW MOM WOW

Later, via Gchat, after I told Friend the previous conversation....

Friend (a girl): Ahahaha.
Friend: Introduce him to me too, please.
Me: Guy at Berkeley refers to [Name].
Friend: Eeeee.
Friend: All May's.

sick...

2009-12-26T01:12:00.000-05:00

May: E, are you going to the Christmas potluck?
E: Of course not. I feel and look like crap.
May: Actually, you look normal.
E: ... Thanks a lot.

oops

2009-12-15T00:18:00.000-05:00

Gah. Today, while attempting to trace the hypoglossal nerve to its origin in anatomy lab, I broke the nerve.

Yep, definitely not going to be a surgeon.

"How is it going?" in anatomy lab

2009-12-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

Six days before the Anatomy Head and Neck Test:

Fatima: At the beginning, when we ask each other how it's going, we reply, "It's going...." Now we say, "Oh f*ck."

_________________

Me: How's it going?
Jonathan: Bad.
Me: I like your honesty.

_________________

When Charlie and I ran into each other, the first thing he said to me was, "We are so screwed."

lonely

2009-12-02T19:47:00.001-05:00

I am an island.

dark knowledge

2009-12-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

Over the past two months, I have learned two to three ways to effectively and "safely" commit suicide. Of course, anyone could have found out this information through the Internet, but in med school they hand the info to you.

One method, if done correctly, could bring instant death. However, if the person makes just a slight error out of ignorance, he could end up a quadriplegic--a fate worse than death, perhaps.

Maybe this contributes to why the suicide rate of doctors is higher compared to other professions--doctors have the knowledge to ensure that the suicide attempt succeeds.

I wrote this entry because I was in a bad mood again. Will I ever kill myself? Even though I am often depressed, I don't think so, and I hope not. Two of my reasons for staying alive: 1) to spare my parents grief, and more importantly, 2) to continue growing toward holiness in order to honor God. Matthew 6:20--But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

My heavenly treasures, which I interpret as anything I say or do or think that pleases God, are very meager. But once this life on earth ends, there will be no further opportunity for growth and treasure-storing. Hence, we need to grow toward holiness as much as we can while we are still here, so that when we face God after death, we can receive the reward God has promised to His disciples. James 1:12--Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Lastly and most importantly, we only grow because of God's gift of salvation. We hope for a crown only because of His grace.
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:1-5

Thank God for the Bible, that gives hope for the future. If I weren't a Christian, it is possible I would have killed myself a long time ago. (But then again, maybe not; if I weren't a Christian, I would avoid suicide because I would be afraid of death).

It's beautiful!

2009-11-29T22:15:00.000-05:00

Last week, I took the Anatomy Practical on the thorax and abdomen, a test for which we had to identify marked structures on the cadavers, and one which induced much stress.

However, during the practical, I was particularly struck by one display. I had seen the inferior epigastric artery before, but it had always been severed from its source. During the test, however, one cadaver displayed a beautiful dissection of the artery--I was delighted to see, for the first time, the artery clearly branching from the external iliac artery, then running between the rectus abdominis muscle and rectus sheath to nestle neatly within the lateral umbilical fold. Several other dissections were also very notable--such as the greater splanchnic nerve connecting to the celiac ganglion, the cystic duct running from the gallbladder.... The clarity of the dissections made the bodies beautiful, and was a testament to both God's awesome creativity and our professors' dissecting skills.

I found moments of delight amidst an intense exam. I know my classmates felt the same--I heard some discussing the beautifully dissected splanchnic nerve after the test. Even though we study laboriously in the cadaver lab, sometimes the beauty of the dissections does strike us, and we pause from our mad studies to praise it.

To me, such moments are like a welcome gulp of fresh air, before we are plunged again deep into the swirling torrents of material that is Anatomy class. I may miss Anatomy after all.

Edit: So that you guys don't think I am a super sappy nerd: There was another display on the Practical for which I could not make out the structure at all. I was plagued throughout half the test with the thought, "Just what the hell was that?" (It turned out to be an artery the professor said we normally would not see in dissections due to its smallness. In that cadaver, however, it was abnormally large. The prof's statement threw me off.)

a legitimate reason for marriage...

2009-11-23T11:07:00.000-05:00

Jean: I would like to marry a Chinese girl so she can cook me Chinese food.
John: That's what [our professor] did. He married a Chinese.
Jean: For the food??

sacrilegeous

2009-11-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

Right before entering anatomy lab:

Me: I really wanted to dissect today, but I realized what the topic is; and decided maybe I'll hold off [the topic was the male reproductive system].
Gretel, a classmate: Well, we all have been holding human hearts in our hands for a week now. I don't think we can violate people any more than that.

Incidentally, the two other girls in my anatomy group dissected the scrotum today--one testis for each girl. One of the guys was wincing the whole time. Hmm.

oh you potential med students

2009-11-10T21:18:00.000-05:00

Me: Have you seen the people in suits that are interviewing here for next year?
Gretel (a classmate): No, I have been avoiding them.
Me: Why?
Gretel: I don't want to pretend to be positive.

diagnosing passersby

2009-11-10T00:10:00.000-05:00

While walking outside, I noticed another pedestrian with a particular gait walking in the opposite direction. I turned around to observe her from behind and saw my classmate Andrew.

me: I think the person who just passed by us has drop foot.
Andrew: Wow, I did not notice at all.
me: Yea, she lifted one foot really high while walking and did not dorsiflex [bend the foot upward].
Andrew: So she has damage to the deep peroneal nerve. That is funny--you are diagnosing people already.

In Final Exam, Dr. Pauline Chen wrote that while in public, she could not help but mentally deconstruct strangers' health based on their appearance. Today I did a little of that. It made me happy, actually--I guess I am learning a little something after all.

Crossover with CMDA round 2

2009-11-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I volunteered again at Crossover free clinic. While in the back room waiting for the clinic to start, I looked at the front counter, and whom did I see but the patient from last time! This was the first patient to whom I gave a flu shot, and also one of the first I interviewed, when he visited Crossover last month.

My reaction: momentary terror. I went back to the back room really quickly because I did not want him to see me, and I told the doctor, "Shoot, it's the patient I saw from last time!" (Actually, I may have said "Crap" instead of "Shoot." There goes professionalism). Why was I so afraid? Probably because I remembered how diffident I was when examining him last time, and he knows I am just a novice with minimal skills.

Then the clinic started and someone handed me a patient's file. Of all the files I could have received, I just had to have that very same patient. Fortunately, I really did not have to do much--just take vitals, conduct a brief interview, and summarize the findings to the attending, and she did the rest (explanation, treatment, and paperwork).

At this stage, volunteering at clinics benefits me educationally far more than it benefits anyone else. The second-year medical students who were also at the clinic conducted the interview and the physical exam all by themselves before presenting to the attending, while I did not know anything about the physical exam. I yearn to be useful like them, instead of merely tagging along and observing them. I hope that when (and if) I become a second-year medical student, I will be as good as they are.

anatomy inside jokes

2009-11-02T20:33:00.000-05:00

During discussion group meeting in Anatomy class:

Billy: I think I will go to Starbucks today and order a tensor fasciae latte.

Andrew: Oh, speaking of that, Starbucks is offering free drinks this week because they are doing bursitis training. Argh, I said bursitis. I meant barista training.

____________________________________

Anatomy is seriously consuming our lives.

For you non-anatomy people:
tensor fasciae latae--a muscle on your thigh
bursitis--inflammation of bursae, which are sacs of fluid between bone and bone or tendon that reduce friction

I've got a job option for you buff guys....

2009-10-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

... be a photography model for anatomy textbooks (at least, for the muscles section).

the lady with sickle cell anemia

2009-10-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

Today a person with sickle cell anemia came and talked to my class. Because sickle cell is a disease of the blood cells, it affects every part of the body that has blood flow, which means basically everywhere. A person with this disease is in pain almost all the time, and can go into "crises" of severe pain (8 to 10 on a ten-point scale) that necessitate hospitalization.

Even though the lady got out of the emergency room at 2am from one of her crises, and came to speak to us eight hours later at 10am, and was still in pain from the crisis, she was so very cheerful and humorous. She joked with us and we all laughed several times. In fact, judging by her contagious good spirits, no one would have guessed that she still hurt physically. (Many sickle cell patients have gotten so used to pain that they show no signs of it even if the pain is a 10 on the ten-point scale).

She told us that because sickle cell patients often seek large doses of pain medication out of necessity, they are wrongly derided as "drug-seekers" or "dopers" by their healthcare providers, sometimes even within earshot. "Don't do that," she said. "It hurts." That is more reason not to talk down to perceived drug-seekers--because they may actually be misunderstood people with sickle cell. (Even if the drug-seekers are real, I still don't want to disdain them, since I myself am a drug-seeker of sorts. My drug to escape from reality is the Internet).

"Between Virginia [her nurse's name] and the Lord, that is what has kept me going," the lady stated. I want to have some of her joy in the pain.

Yay medicine!

2009-10-09T23:56:00.001-04:00

Meet Dr. Costanzo, renowned physiologist, professor, coach and cheerleader of first- and second-year medical students as they study for their board exams.

Meet Stack of Syllabi--material medical students have to master in the first two years of medical school before taking the board test.

All this knowledge is making me excited. I wish I could remember everything.

people

2009-10-09T22:28:00.000-04:00

My mood fluctuates widely. I am happy when I have conversations with people, when I have friendly and pleasant interactions with them.

I am miserable when when I am alone in my dorm room at night, when I have no one to talk to, and when my social discomfort raises its ugly head while I try to make friends.

I can't live like this--I can't let my mood be constantly dictated by the quality of my social life (or lack thereof). There is something missing here.

It's rather funny, actually. In high school and the first few years of college, I was actually rather aloof. In psychological terms, I even characterized myself as "ambivalent" (somewhat more distant and independent from others), as opposed to "secure" (normal and healthy relationships) or "anxious" (clingy). Yet now I would say that while my behavior may still seem ambivalent and that I sometimes act aloof, my heart is becoming more and more clingy to people in general.

Actually, in junior year of college I took a test offered by my psychology professor to determine what I truly was. To my surprise, my results were in the "secure" range, and my "anxious" score was slightly higher than my "ambivalent" score. I was expecting the result of "ambivalent," but the test said I was normal. But now I am not feeling normal at all. Sometimes I want to go out and do stuff without having to wait for others; other times, I have such deep longing for human company that it is ridiculous.

When did it all start? In the last semester of high school, for one reason or another the usual group of people I ate lunch with disbanded. So I either ate alone or floated among the other social groups. However, while the new groups I ate with were still my friends, I did not feel to be part of their established in-crowd. That was the semester when I was so lonely, so lonely.

In college, I was tremendously blessed by my Christian fellowship. God gave me very dear and very close sisters, and brothers as well. I remember calling my mom during the first semester of freshman year and telling her "I am happy." I think I was mostly happy every year in college except for the third year, when I studied for the MCAT and applied to med schools. That year, I was burned out, and most of my friends were also busy. I medicated myself against the fatigue and the loneliness by procrastinating. But when my last semester of college came around, I increased my participation in the fellowship, and seeing my friends more was one reason I was happy again (the other reasons were that I learned wonderful things from my new discipler and took very enjoyable classes like martial arts).

Now, most of my college friends are living in a different space-time dimension. Different time zone, I mean. I miss them dearly. I do talk to my new classmates, but most of the interactions have been cordial, not deep. I do thank God for the few good friendships He has given me here, but I thirst for more most of the time that I am alone. This can't be right.

But I am sure people can relate to this longing for camaraderie. Why else would the theme of so many mangas (Japanese comics) be friendship? In fact, the word "nakama" (which I gather to mean friends/comrades) is very frequently used. The four most popular mangas--Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, and Fairy Tail--all have friendship as the central theme, as if it is the most important thing in the world. Naruto strives constantly to get his friend Sasuke back, Ichigo in Bleach fights bad guys to protect his friends, the pirate crew in One Piece sticks together through thick and thin, and so does the guild of magicians in Fairy Tail. (The fact that I have read all these mangas and more is another topic I shall not discuss here).

Perhaps I am falling into idol worship, with people as my idol. My need is to be affirmed, and having friends affirms me of my social skills. I also need to feel secure, and having a group of people I can rely on certainly helps. But should not God be enough? Should not He be my sole source of affirmation and security? And in fact, He is. Yet, yet, why do I not grasp this truth and still long for people with an unhealthy intensity? While God did make us as social creatures that need each other, am I blowing this natural desire out of proportion so that it displaces God's place in my life? I think the answer is yes.

zest-less

2009-10-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon the blog of a 22-year-old girl suffering from leukemia. She has a fervent desire to keep on living. She wants to be allowed to take part in the future.

If I have a terminal illness, would I also want to fight to live? I don't currently have much zest for my own life, pampered and comfortable as it is. Certainly, there are times when I relish it (such as during my mission trip this past summer), but I often also want it to be over with. Sometimes, I think the only reason I keep on living is that, were I to die, my mother would be devastated, and I wish to spare her this.

I think it is because I am easily worried and can't even handle the small uncertainties life brings. Or I am too ungrateful toward God, the one who gave me this life.

Or maybe I am just in a bad mood right now as I write this entry.

needed: confidence

2009-10-05T01:01:00.000-04:00

This Saturday, I volunteered at a Crossover Clinic, a free clinic that provides health services in the name of Jesus. Because all I have learned so far is taking blood pressure and interviews, I was not that useful. I tagged along with a second-year medical student and watched her do most of the work. We saw two patients total. I did take one patient's vitals, conduct most of the interview, and present the interview results to the attending. However, during my presentation, I did not feel confident at all.

Cecilia, the M2, conducted the physical exam with familiarity. Sometimes she instructed me to do as she did. Her hands, while checking the patient's body, were firm, while mine were limp and diffident. I certainly did not apply enough pressure while feeling for the patients' lymph nodes or insert the probes far enough into the patient's nose and ears. Basically, I was a bit afraid to touch the patients; which is okay right now, I think, considering I didn't even know what I was looking for in these exams. However, I do need to be more assertive to learn better.

There were a few patients who needed flu shots. The doctor who works at Crossover offered the med students the chance to give them. I declined giving the shot at first because I was afraid to mess up, so Cecilia did it. But soon it was my turn. I thought, "Oh gosh, I can't even properly stick a straw through the plastic cover of a Tapioca drink, and you want me to stick a needle into live flesh?" But it was actually very easy! The patient did not even bleed (but I think that is due to his physiology, not my skill). Afterward, I felt really accomplished, even though it was a small task.

To the poor patient who was my guinea pig: You are the first real patient I actually interviewed, the third for whom I took blood pressure, and the first I gave a shot. You never complained or showed signs of discomfort, even though I was not comfortable myself. Thank you.

some timeline

2009-10-04T00:53:00.000-04:00

August 2005--started college at UC Berkeley.

May to December 2007--shadowed doctors, volunteered at health-related places, somehow officially decided to be a doctor

December 2007 to December 2008--the Dark Ages: studied for the MCAT, applied to medical schools

December 15, 2008--learned of my first acceptance to a certain medical school while in Valley Life Sciences Building at UC Berkeley; entered uncharacteristic, gleeful, and silent screaming fit, because I was in the library. Went to sushi place with Christine, Holly, and Holly's sister that night.

May 20, 2009--graduated from UC Berkeley

June 17 to July 24, 2009--mission trip to Taiwan: best summer of my life

August 4, 2009--moved across the country to the opposite Coast

August 10, 2009--Orientation started at said med school.

August 17, 2009--Classes started at said med school.

October 4, 2009--wrote this entry because I wanted to play with my new blog.

Halloween Costume

2009-09-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

I received some items from my new school. Now I know what I can wear for this year's Halloween!

WHITE COAT

+

STETHOSCOPE

=

DOCTOR (in-training)

On a serious note, even though I now don a white coat when I volunteer in clinics or attend workshops, I do feel like a sham dressed in a costume, since I of course don't know anything about medicine at the moment. It's like that proverb: "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing," except I am "Ignoramus in White Coat." Will the sham turn into reality? Let's find out in four years.