the mother is starting to pressure her daughters....

I visited Berkeley this winter break. When I got back home, my mother started talking about some of my Berkeley friends whom she had seen.

....

Me: Yea, [guy at Berkeley] is pretty good-looking.
Mom: You should introduce him to May! :D :D
May thinks: WOW MOM WOW

Later, via Gchat, after I told Friend the previous conversation....

Friend (a girl): Ahahaha.
Friend: Introduce him to me too, please.
Me: Guy at Berkeley refers to [Name].
Friend: Eeeee.
Friend: All May's.

sick...

May: E, are you going to the Christmas potluck?
E: Of course not. I feel and look like crap.
May: Actually, you look normal.
E: ... Thanks a lot.

oops

Gah. Today, while attempting to trace the hypoglossal nerve to its origin in anatomy lab, I broke the nerve.

Yep, definitely not going to be a surgeon.

"How is it going?" in anatomy lab

Six days before the Anatomy Head and Neck Test:

Fatima: At the beginning, when we ask each other how it's going, we reply, "It's going...." Now we say, "Oh f*ck."

_________________

Me: How's it going?
Jonathan: Bad.
Me: I like your honesty.

_________________

When Charlie and I ran into each other, the first thing he said to me was, "We are so screwed."

lonely

I am an island.

dark knowledge

Over the past two months, I have learned two to three ways to effectively and "safely" commit suicide. Of course, anyone could have found out this information through the Internet, but in med school they hand the info to you.

One method, if done correctly, could bring instant death. However, if the person makes just a slight error out of ignorance, he could end up a quadriplegic--a fate worse than death, perhaps.

Maybe this contributes to why the suicide rate of doctors is higher compared to other professions--doctors have the knowledge to ensure that the suicide attempt succeeds.

I wrote this entry because I was in a bad mood again. Will I ever kill myself? Even though I am often depressed, I don't think so, and I hope not. Two of my reasons for staying alive: 1) to spare my parents grief, and more importantly, 2) to continue growing toward holiness in order to honor God. Matthew 6:20--But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

My heavenly treasures, which I interpret as anything I say or do or think that pleases God, are very meager. But once this life on earth ends, there will be no further opportunity for growth and treasure-storing. Hence, we need to grow toward holiness as much as we can while we are still here, so that when we face God after death, we can receive the reward God has promised to His disciples. James 1:12--Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.


Lastly and most importantly, we only grow because of God's gift of salvation. We hope for a crown only because of His grace.
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:1-5

Thank God for the Bible, that gives hope for the future. If I weren't a Christian, it is possible I would have killed myself a long time ago. (But then again, maybe not; if I weren't a Christian, I would avoid suicide because I would be afraid of death).