people

My mood fluctuates widely. I am happy when I have conversations with people, when I have friendly and pleasant interactions with them.

I am miserable when when I am alone in my dorm room at night, when I have no one to talk to, and when my social discomfort raises its ugly head while I try to make friends.

I can't live like this--I can't let my mood be constantly dictated by the quality of my social life (or lack thereof). There is something missing here.

It's rather funny, actually. In high school and the first few years of college, I was actually rather aloof. In psychological terms, I even characterized myself as "ambivalent" (somewhat more distant and independent from others), as opposed to "secure" (normal and healthy relationships) or "anxious" (clingy). Yet now I would say that while my behavior may still seem ambivalent and that I sometimes act aloof, my heart is becoming more and more clingy to people in general.

Actually, in junior year of college I took a test offered by my psychology professor to determine what I truly was. To my surprise, my results were in the "secure" range, and my "anxious" score was slightly higher than my "ambivalent" score. I was expecting the result of "ambivalent," but the test said I was normal. But now I am not feeling normal at all. Sometimes I want to go out and do stuff without having to wait for others; other times, I have such deep longing for human company that it is ridiculous.

When did it all start? In the last semester of high school, for one reason or another the usual group of people I ate lunch with disbanded. So I either ate alone or floated among the other social groups. However, while the new groups I ate with were still my friends, I did not feel to be part of their established in-crowd. That was the semester when I was so lonely, so lonely.

In college, I was tremendously blessed by my Christian fellowship. God gave me very dear and very close sisters, and brothers as well. I remember calling my mom during the first semester of freshman year and telling her "I am happy." I think I was mostly happy every year in college except for the third year, when I studied for the MCAT and applied to med schools. That year, I was burned out, and most of my friends were also busy. I medicated myself against the fatigue and the loneliness by procrastinating. But when my last semester of college came around, I increased my participation in the fellowship, and seeing my friends more was one reason I was happy again (the other reasons were that I learned wonderful things from my new discipler and took very enjoyable classes like martial arts).

Now, most of my college friends are living in a different space-time dimension. Different time zone, I mean. I miss them dearly. I do talk to my new classmates, but most of the interactions have been cordial, not deep. I do thank God for the few good friendships He has given me here, but I thirst for more most of the time that I am alone. This can't be right.

But I am sure people can relate to this longing for camaraderie. Why else would the theme of so many mangas (Japanese comics) be friendship? In fact, the word "nakama" (which I gather to mean friends/comrades) is very frequently used. The four most popular mangas--Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, and Fairy Tail--all have friendship as the central theme, as if it is the most important thing in the world. Naruto strives constantly to get his friend Sasuke back, Ichigo in Bleach fights bad guys to protect his friends, the pirate crew in One Piece sticks together through thick and thin, and so does the guild of magicians in Fairy Tail. (The fact that I have read all these mangas and more is another topic I shall not discuss here).

Perhaps I am falling into idol worship, with people as my idol. My need is to be affirmed, and having friends affirms me of my social skills. I also need to feel secure, and having a group of people I can rely on certainly helps. But should not God be enough? Should not He be my sole source of affirmation and security? And in fact, He is. Yet, yet, why do I not grasp this truth and still long for people with an unhealthy intensity? While God did make us as social creatures that need each other, am I blowing this natural desire out of proportion so that it displaces God's place in my life? I think the answer is yes.